The Mega Season Preview

I won't bore you guys with a long intro, I stuck to the same basic formula of years past: ranking every team by giving report card grades for each category, then writing a summary where usually I'll make you feel really good and then really bad within the same paragraph.

What makes this preview different is that I took some of my favorite quotes from baseball movies and gave one to each team. Some of them fit really well, others don't but I kinda sorta made it work. It's a pretty lengthy read so you may want to wait 'til you're punishing some porcelain to dive in, and possibly bring a snack.

Click through to see your fate...

There's one thing you have to remember while reading these rankings. I'm always wrong, not occasionally, not even usually, always. I predicted John for 6th place last year, he won it all. I penciled Dan in 7th the year before, and he won it all. These are for fun, I'm TRYING to stir the pot. If you're mad bout your rank, don't just let me know, prove me wrong! 

I'm not much for giving inspirational addresses, But I'd just like to point out that every newspaper in the country has picked us to finish last. The local press seems to think that we'd save everyone the time and trouble if we just went out and shot ourselves. Me, I'm for wasting sportswriters' time. So I figured we ought to hang around for a while and see if we can give 'em all a nice big shit burger to eat!

-Lou Brown, Major League

12. Greg

Runs	D	Wins	C
Homeruns	C	Strikeouts	B-
RBI	C	Saves	C+
Steals	B	ERA	C-
Average	C+	WHIP	C
OFFENSE	C	DEFENSE	C+
OVERALL:			C

Just a reminder, fans, comin’ up is our “Die-hard Night” here at the stadium. Free admission to anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won a pennant.

-Announcer, Major League (there's more than just Major League quotes I swear)

We always mention Keeves’ tortured past as a manager in the Franchise, back when he was coming in last every year. Perka also gets some flak for not doing much with some of the best keepers around, but no one ever mentions Greg’s subpar tenure as a manager. Only Keeves, Pru, and Fitzgibbon have a lower career winning %, and Greg’s the only active member of the league to have never won a playoff matchup. The bad news is that I think that trend will continue in 2013, HOWEVER, if he plays it right, he’s got some pretty damn good keepers for the future.

On offense, Greg should hold his own in steals and possibly average. Altuve, Pedroia, Harper, Cespedes, and even Escobar can all steal bases, and they all hit for a decent average. Greg has some decent pop in the lineup with Jones, Middlebrooks, Harper and Cespedes, but no real power hitters past Dunn. Escobar, Pacheco and Altuve probably won’t even reach 15 homers combined. He’s got a few stars here (including a potential superstar), but it’s a below average offense on the whole.

Greg’s pitching hinges a lot on how well Jon Lester does this year. Madison Bumgarner has been getting some Cy Young buzz and if Lester returns to form this could be one of the best pitching duos in the league. The two of them should help in K’s and wins, while Minor and Vogelsong will probably help with the ratios. Chapman can contribute in Ks even in the closer role, and he’s got some interesting keeper potential as well.

He hasn’t been to the big dance since ’09 and I don’t see that changing this year. BUT, with Harper, Chapman, Cespedes, and  Bumgarner, the sky is the limit for Greg future. It took him long enough, but he’s got the pieces in place for a dynasty, add some draft picks at the trading deadline and we could be looking at next year’s champ.

11. Pflanz

Runs	C+	Wins	B+
Homeruns	C-	Strikeouts	B
RBI	C-	Saves	C-
Steals	B+	ERA	B
Average	C	WHIP	B
OFFENSE	C+	DEFENSE	B-
OVERALL:			C+

There’s a thing called, “talent.” They don’t have it.

-George Knox, Angels in the Outfield

The quote should have been “they don’t have it…yet”. That’s how I feel about this team, lots of potential talent, but not quite there yet. However, we all know that Pflanz is usually in the hunt, even when I classify his draft as a rebuilding move (as I did last year in these rankings, when he went on to finish in 3^rd place. Once again, always wrong).

On the offensive side, there is a serious power outage here, as he might not have a single 30 homerun guy. He won’t have anyone knock in 100 runs either, which can be troublesome considering more than half of his lineup probably won’t reach 70 RBI's. In addition, he managed to grab a lot of “batting average killers” in Davis, Segura, Rosario, Viciedo, Plouffe, and Stubbs. Where this offense will excel is in stolen bases, and I could easily see him in the top 3 in that category at the end of the season.

Defensively, things are looking more productive. Sabathia and Medlen sit atop a very deep starting rotation that will be in the mix for the K’s and wins crowns. The closers are nothing to write home about however, and I think bullpen-wise, this is one of the weakest in the league. The pitching won’t blow people away, but it should be better than his disastrous offense, I’m seeing most of his wins coming from the defensive side.

This team has a good manager, but between poor keepers and a lack of early draft picks, they just don’t have the talent. But Pflanz, maybe if you pray to God’s thumbnail, and grab Tony Danza off free agency, Doc Brown and a bunch of Angels will help to make your team better and you can prove me wrong once again.

  

10. Richie

Runs	D	Wins	A
Homeruns	D+	Strikeouts	A+
RBI	C-	Saves	C+
Steals	A	ERA	C
Average	D	WHIP	C
OFFENSE	C-	DEFENSE	B
OVERALL:			C+

The problem we’re trying to solve is that here are rich teams and there are poor teams. Then there’s fifty feet of crap, and then there’s us. It’s an unfair game.

-Billy Beane, Moneyball

One of the smartest things Eric did at the draft was to choose a specific focus, which turned out being a  scaled down version of the Zhou strategy. He went with pitching early and often before loading up on steals towards the end of the draft. Considering the discrepancies in keepers (the “50 feet of crap”), this was really the only way to go and still have a shot at success.

This team can certainly be classified as an elite base stealing squad. Everth Cabrera, while he will murder a batting average, will also steal close to 50 bases this season, Ben Revere should put up a similar total. Not to mention Granderson will be back at some point, adding some more speed with a power boost for a team that will be in desperate need of it (Trumbo is the only other player with a chance at 30 homers). Other than steal this lineup won't be doing any real damage to anyone.

The pitching for this team turned out better than anyone would have thought. Darvish and Scherzer make for a great, young 1-2 punch, and Moore is a breakout candidate with serious keeper potential. This team is my pick to lead the league in strikeouts and challenge the top spot for wins as well. Rafael Soriano should see plenty of save opportunities in Washington, but there isn’t a lot of depth here at the closer position. Soriano is also the only true “ratio guy” on the team, which is fine, but without a reliable arm to keep the ratios low, one bad start could ruin any week.

So, in the only time he will ever remotely be compared to Brad Pitt, Richie will do his best Moneyball impression, and try to shock some of the “larger market” teams. However, I think this team will look more like the late 00’s A’s than the ones from the movie. Oh and yes, this does mean that the awkward and nerdy Jonah Hill character is Eric.

New Franchise managers Richie and Eric (Best. Metaphor. Ever)

9. Bryan

Runs	C	Wins	B+
Homeruns	C-	Strikeouts	A
RBI	B+	Saves	B-
Steals	C-	ERA	A-
Average	B	WHIP	B-
OFFENSE	C+	DEFENSE	B+
OVERALL:			B-

-Come on, Rook. Show us that million-dollar arm, ‘cause I got a good idea about that five-cent head of yours.

-Crash Davis, Bull Durham

Richie is a rookie to the Franchise but not to fantasy baseball itself. Bryan is a real rookie, new to fantasy baseball and apparently the idea of doing research before a draft. Coming in to the draft I had his keepers ranked 5^th, post draft, I’ve got his team ranked 9th, so that should tell you where I stand on his draft.

Offensively, this team should hit for a good average and rake in the RBI’s, as 8 players can be counted on for 80+. Although there are a lot of sources of decent power, this is the only team in the league without a true 30 homerun threat; there’s also the strong possibility that no one cracks the 90-run mark. He may be the league’s most productive base stealer, but Michael Bourn is not going to win the steals category by himself. Bryan also made a lot of risky offensive picks as Mauer, Werth, Youk, Cruz, and Beltran all have long histories with the DL. This offense won’t be turning any heads this year.

Bryan inherited the most prolific pitching staff in Franchise history, put together by the master of fantasy pitchers, Roland Zhou. So of course, this is an elite pitching staff. Kershaw, Strasburg, and Cain are unbeatable, and Bryan should challenge for the league lead in K’s because of it. When you get past the top 3 however, it’s none too impressive. Having two Sox pitchers on the staff is a risky move if Farrell can’t whip them into shape. But overall, pitching will keep this team in the playoff hunt.

Because Bryan is essentially a rookie to fantasy baseball in general, I couldn’t really decide on where to rank him. We haven’t seen his managing style, which made it harder. What I do know is that he knows sports, and I know few things get him more excited than the prospect of winning money from sporting events. So as much as I’d like to count him out due to that draft, he does have the “million-dollar arm”[s] and the drive he needs to get to the post season.

8. Andy

Runs	B-	Wins	A
Homeruns	B-	Strikeouts	C+
RBI	B-	Saves	D
Steals	C+	ERA	C-
Average	C	WHIP	C+
OFFENSE	B-	DEFENSE	C+
OVERALL:			B-

I have just created something totally illogical.

-Ray Kinsella, Field of Dreams

I’m not sure if it was the weed, or the natural high that draft day brings, but Andy was looking over his team like a little boy looks at his gifts on Christmas morning. Well I’m here to tell you that those are Mega Blocks not Legos, so put down the Convert-A-Bot and prepare for the hard truth.

Andy usually boasts a powerful offense, always in contention for the home run crown, but this year his squad lacks the league leading  “pop” of years passed. That’s not to say his lineup is weak; Jose Bautista and Josh Hamilton are 40 homerun hopefuls, while Heyward, Wieters, and Alvarez will all eclipse the 25 homer plateau. However, the rest of Andy’s lineup is average, with the potential to be top 5 in everything, but the likelihood of finishing middle of the pack.

On defense, Andy’s starting pitching depth could lead the league in wins. Hamels, Greinke, Kennedy, Wilson, Vargas, and Maholm could all have 15 wins this year, and the first half of that list will provide significant K value as well. What confuses me is the lack of direction in the pitching staff. First of all, he only had 7 pitchers rostered out of the draft. Next, consider that he only has one closer while every other team has at least 2. Odds are that he will never win the saves category relying solely on Brandon League, so why hang on to a guy who only contributes only to that one category?

For Ray, illogical decision making led to a magic baseball field and a creepy midnight walk with a perverted old man, for Andy, who knows what it will bring. Then again, I might just not be able to "see" the strategy, like that red haired prick from the movie, so don’t be surprised if he sneaks into the last playoff spot come September. 

7. Brad

Runs	B-	Wins	A+
Homeruns	C	Strikeouts	B-
RBI	B	Saves	C
Steals	C+	ERA	A-
Average	B	WHIP	A-
OFFENSE	B-	DEFENSE	B+
OVERALL:			B

-So where was I?...Oh yeah, we’re getting undressed and we start foolin’ around and she suddenly stops and says, ‘I thought you was a homo?’ And I say ‘What? What the hell you talkin’ about?’ And she says ‘Well, I heard you was a switch hitter’!”

-Mickey Mantle, 61*

Here’s an underrated flick that should be regarded on the same level as other great made for tv movies like Smart House and Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. Ok, I couldn’t find a good quote for Brad, but I do love this line of the movie and Brad’s kinda a homo so…

This is a middle of the road offense that will do better in batting average and RBI’s than in homers. He’s only got 5 guys who are going to reach 20 homers this year, but he also probably won’t have any players hitting under .260, which is impressive, and there are plenty of runs to go around considering keepers Wright, Encarnacion, and Fielder.  Coco Crisp, Victorino, and Choo will provide some action on the base paths but there isn’t enough here to give Brad much of a steals advantage over anyone. Bottom line is that this offense is average.

His pitching staff is better than average, it’s tremendous. Weaver and Lee is a very formidable top two and Latos, Parker, Lohse, and Hudson all add great depth to the rotation. This team should lead the league in wins, as much like Andy, Brad could have six 15 game winners. He will also challenge for the ERA and WHIP title due to the low ratios that Lee and Weaver produce. Rodney will help him to win saves some weeks, but it’s the starters that makes Brad’s pitching staff one of the best in the league.

Despite making the playoffs 3 times in 5 years Brad has never finished in the money. I don’t even think he makes the dance this year. He’s got great pitching but I don’t know if his hitting is enough to get him there. I do have to say that Brad usually proves me wrong, and I hope this year is no different dude!!!

(Because I feel bad for calling you a homo)(Sorry).

6. Perka

Runs	B	Wins	B-
Homeruns	B	Strikeouts	A-
RBI	B+	Saves	B
Steals	C	ERA	A-
Average	A	WHIP	A-
OFFENSE	B	DEFENSE	B+
OVERALL:			B

-I coulda been better. I coulda broke every record in the book.

-And then?

-And then? And then when I wakled sown the street people would’ve looked and they would’ve said there goes Roy Hobbs, the best there ever was in this game.

-Roy Hobbs, The Natural

Can Perka be compared to the best ever?

The greatest movie baseball player of all-time by a long shot, there was no way this article was going up without a Roy Hobbs quote. It is the ultimate case of squandered potential. He had the most talent, but one bad decision closed the window on his chance for glory. Perka too, has had Miguel Cabrera, Matt Kemp, and Justin Verlander for 3 years now, during that time he has made the playoffs exactly once, and lost in the first round. You wanna talk about squandered potential?

His offensive strength lies in batting average, where Cabrera, Kemp, Perez, and Holliday will keep him above the league mean. Cabrera is a special fantasy player as we know, and along with Kemp and Holliday, he should keep Perka’s HR and RBI numbers healthy enough to hang with the other top tier offenses. His weakness is in speed; aside from Gardner, just 2 others could break the 20 steal barrier.

Pitching is where most of Perka’s focus was at the draft and it shows. Looking beyond fantasy’s #1 starter(Verlander), Perka added fantasy’s #1 closer (Kimbrel), and plenty of other solid starters who will give him some of the best ratios in the league. Next to Kimbel, I don’t trust his other closers, and I don’t think his win totals will reach the same level of prowess as his K’s, but this is one of the better pitching staffs in the league this year for sure.

Roy Hobbs missed the chance to show the world what it’s most talented ballplayer could do, but Perka has not. He hand selected this team carefully (so carefully that his picks alone probably added an extra 40 minutes to the draft process), to take his elite keepers and make them champions, and luckily for him, his window isn’t quite shut.

5. Russ

Runs	A	Wins	C+
Homeruns	A+	Strikeouts	C+
RBI	A	Saves	B+
Steals	B-	ERA	D
Average	C	WHIP	C
OFFENSE	A-	DEFENSE	C+
OVERALL:			B+

-Don’t we need a catcher?

-Not if you get it near the plate we don’t

-Ray Kinsella and Shoeless Joe Jackson, Field of Dreams

A second quote from Field of Dreams because, let’s face it; it’s the best baseball movie of all time. I think this is a pretty standard Commish team; lots of offense along with some high risk/high reward pitching and plenty of youth to go with the reliable “core four” keepers.

I don’t think I’ve ever have power like I do this season, as all of my starters should reach double digit home runs and 12 out the 13 could definitely get to 20 on the year. Runs and RBI’s will also come in abundance as Pujols, Cano, Longoria, and CarGo are all likely to top 100 RBI’s. Steals weren’t ignored however, as there are four 20/20 threats on the squad, and outfielders Aoki and Gomez could each get to 30 SB’s. It’s true I punted average, but it was my strategy heading in to forget about a category that can fluctuate so much every week like that. As usual, this offense sets the gold standard.

Now on to my weakness, although just like last year I took two starters back to back to start the draft, my rotation is still looking pretty shaky. The Waino-Dick(eh?) combo is a high risk/high upside scenario and could end up backfiring badly if Wainwright can’t stay healthy or Dickey doesn’t adjust well in the AL. However, 4 closers will help to keep saves on my side, and selective spot starting could lead me to some much needed help in the other categories.

Also in typical Russ fashion, I neglected picking a catcher once I noticed the top 3 went off the board. My catchers over the years have all been pretty bad, but considering how early they get picked, and looking at the uninspiring numbers they put up (obviously Posey not included), the ends don’t seem to justify the means. So no Ray, I won’t need a catcher this season, at least not permanently. So stop being so whiny and just throw the damn ball so I can mash homers into your cornfield.

4. Keeves

Runs	C+	Wins	B
Homeruns	B+	Strikeouts	A
RBI	A	Saves	C
Steals	C	ERA	C+
Average	A+	WHIP	C
OFFENSE	B+	DEFENSE	B
OVERALL:			B+

I always figured it was talent made a man big, you know, if I was the best at something, I mean, we’re the guys they come to see. Without us, there ain’t a ballgame…And where’s Comiskey and Sullivan, Attel and Rothstein? Out in the back room cutting up profits, that’s where. That’s the damn conspiracy.

-Eddie Cicotte, Eight Men Out

It’s important to note that the strategy of the league’s favorite conspiracy theorist has changed drastically from what it was during his run as the league’s perennial basement dweller, and his new tactics certainly paid off last year.

There is a much stronger emphasis on offense that we have never seen from Keeves before. Keeping 3 offensive players is usually not an option for him but this year he had some very balanced and worthy bats slotted in before the draft. This team could potentially have 5 guys hit for .300, an impressive feat considering the rapidly declining number of guys who do that. Also, between Butler, Beltre, McCutchen, Soriano, and Willingham this team should be in contention for the RBI title. The only knock on this offense is that it’s slow, Ichiro and Crawford don’t run like they used to and it’s likely only 5 guys will reach double digit steals

His offense is strong, but his pitching didn’t suffer much despite a shift in philosophy. King Felix is still a true ace, and Gio was essentially a 5^th keeper for him. Add in the steal of Kuroda and breakout possibility of Iwakuma, and this is one of the league’s more talented staffs. Although he hurts you in other categories, A.J. Burnett can still strike people out, and Felix and Gio should both break 200 K’s, meaning that this team will dominate the category. Shady closers and ratio killers may drag him down, but this pitching staff is still very good.

Overall, this is a borderline playoff team, and he should produce results similar to last year’s 4^th place finish. I’ll be surprised if Keeves goes very far past the level that he reached last year, but I won’t be surprised when his reasoning as to why he lost involves myself, the league rulebook, and some choice profanity.

3. John

Runs	B+	Wins	B+
Homeruns	B-	Strikeouts	D+
RBI	B-	Saves	C-
Steals	A+	ERA	C+
Average	C	WHIP	B-
OFFENSE	B+	DEFENSE	C+
OVERALL:			B

-The boys are all here for ya, we’ll back you up, we’ll be there, cause, Billy, we don’t stink right now, right this minute, because of you. You’re the reason. We’re not gonna screw that up, we’re gonna be awesome for you right now, just throw.

-Gus Sinski, For Love of the Game

This movie pisses me off. I love the concept and some of the scenes are really good. It’s like half of a good movie and the other half is a cheesy romantic comedy chick flick. John’s team also pisses me off. I can look down his roster and say wow he’s gonna win the championship again, then an hour later I can look at it and say wow he’s not making the playoffs.

This offense is FAST. Just Bonifacio, Trout, both Uptons, and Hanley are enough to beat out some of the slower teams in the league in steals, throw in Hosmer, Asdrubel Cabrera, and Tulo and there’s no contest. This is the fastest team in the league and he will dominate steals even without Hanley for the first portion of the year. With steals come runs where John will be above average as well. Unfortunately his power numbers suffer from having only one real 30 homer threat in Tulo. There’s also a chance that no one in his lineup hits .300, which doesn’t bode well for his batting average.

Defensively, I think John’ pitching will keep him from the championship this year. He has no strikeout guys, and will probably finish last in the category. He also missed out on the closer run, and was left with mediocre closers Balfour and Parnell (although Storen is waiting in the wings). He might be able to scrape by on wins, but he can’t count on any of his starters past Cueto to keep low ratios.

So maybe John’s team doesn’t look that good on paper, but he still cracks the top 3 rankings. Why? Because John doesn’t stink right now, right this minute, and his guys are gonna be awesome for him, he’s The Franchise champion, and he will be until he is dethroned.

 Make up your mind movie! Do you suck or are you good?

2. Mark

Runs	B-	Wins	D+
Homeruns	B-	Strikeouts	C
RBI	A-	Saves	A-
Steals	B+	ERA	A
Average	A-	WHIP	A+
OFFENSE	B+	DEFENSE	B
OVERALL:			A-

We all lived in the neighborhood for a couple of more years – mostly through junior high school – and every summer was great. But none of them came close to that first one.

-Smalls, The Sandlot

It’s been a while since Mark has been placed in the championship discussion but he’s back (FUCK!). The  Batman to my Joker, the Mario to my Bowser, the Stark to my Lannister…And I only make myself villain in all these scenarios because he always. Fucking. Wins. 

Or…he used to…

This year he is poised to take over the league once again, and relive that first run of championships. He drafted well, leading to a very balanced offensive attack, with the potential to be top 6 in every category. He has 6 guys who should put up 90+ RBIs, 5 guys who will hit above .290 (including Posey and Braun who should be well above), and Braun, De Aza, and Marte could all reach 30 steals too.

While his pitching staff lacks the same balance as his offense, this is still and upper tier defense. Price is one of 6 true aces in this league, and is a shoe in for 200+ K’s, 16 wins and a sub 3.00 ERA. Gallardo is a serviceable #2 but after that the starters drop off quickly, Halladay is a wildcard, and although I like Harvey he is still unproven. Where Mark is really dangerous is in the bullpen, where Romo, Street, Jansen, and Motte will keep his ratios as low as anyone else in the league. Only Dan has better closers and Mark should win the saves category more often than not.

I was going to choose something a little more upbeat from The Sandlot, but I like this quote. It definitely hits home for me, when I think about all the middle school summers playing Wiffleball in the backyard. But I think it also fits here when looking at Mark’s history in the league. He started off on such a good note that any season that’s not a championship is a failure. Sure it’s been a while since that first summer, and just like Smalls he lost his “Rodriguez”, but Mark actually has the chance to recreate that first run of championships, a very good chance.

1. Dan

Runs	A-	Wins	B-
Homeruns	B+	Strikeouts	B
RBI	B+	Saves	A+
Steals	B+	ERA	B
Average	A	WHIP	B+
OFFENSE	A-	DEFENSE	B+
OVERALL:			A

-Monty, anything to add?

-ummm…no.

-He’s not the best colorman in the league for nothing folks!

-Announcers, Major League

Our quietest member is in good position to make a loud statement to the league by winning his second title in three years. With 17 picks in the first ten rounds no one has ever assembled a team like this. A quick look over his roster will show you that there are no weaknesses here, only lesser strengths, the rest of us are just playing catch up.

Hitting-wise, I think Dan will be top 5 in every category, although I don’t see him dominating any category in particular. All of his hitters should reach double digit homers and more than 8 should get to 20. He should have 9 guys cross the 80 run barrier, while Gonzalez, Stanton, Konerko, and Kubel will provide significant RBI’s. Like I said, there are no weak spots in the offense, with 3 guys projected for more than 30 steals, and 6 to hit above a .290 clip. This is an ELITE offense.

On the defensive side, Dan has no true ace, which could hurt him in wins and K’s, but plenty of starting pitcher depth will help to fill the holes. Dan stockpiled closers at the draft, grabbing Papelbon, Rivera, Puts, and Johnson, so losing a week in the saves category will be a rare thing for the 2011 champ. These closers will also help to keep his ratios down.

It’s one thing to be loud and cocky (see: John, Russ, Keeves, Richie, Pflanz…well, most of the league), it’s another thing to be quiet and cocky. Everyone may have seen a humble, polite young man making selections on Saturday, only speaking to say innocent lines like “Oh, my pick again?” and “oh gosh I rushed that pick!” 

But I’m here to tell you not to fall for that. Dan is the Brother Mouzone of the league, and he is expecting to win it all, take your money, and skip town. No disrespect to the champ, but Dan Alber should be circled on everyone’s calendar this season.

PLAYOFFS

Round 1

(6)Perka over (3) John

(4)Keeves over (5) Russ (Reverse Jynx Alert!!!!)

Round 2

(1) Dan over (6) Perka

(2) Mark over (4)Keeves

Championship

(1) Dan over (2) Mark

Oh and if anyone is curious. I take my shit burgers medium rare...